Report Those Compliments To Your Ass BEFORE IT GETS SO BIG IT FORMS ITS OWN WEBSITE
-- Look who it is
I respond to: Natt, Natti, Natthakan, Safe, or "Hey!" Age: Amazing 19 Officially older on: 10.15 Location: 718 NYC Likes: Friendship, sunny days, writing, travelling, fashion, surprises, lefties, shopping, museum-hopping, NYC, video games, models, photography, 'good lyric' music, family, Photoshop, good grades, scandals, "Dead Like Me", and "Sex and the City" Dislikes: Smokers, Racists, Politics, judgmental, ignorant people, expectations, oily foods, uber-religious people, sticky lipgloss, betrayal, loneliness, gore, and my body scars. Oh and I dislike smelly people ultimately. A sense of humor can take you a long way. But so can a shower. Other unnecessary info: My thoughts are my own, care to read, leave some comments, feel enlightened from reading some college chick's trail of thoughts ;)
I never thought I would actually see my life virtually turn around. Monday I met up with Amy and we finally cleared the the air between us, and I think we are in good terms again -- something I could have never imagined happening. It was difficult and I let myself cry and fall weak in a goddamn public place, but it doesn't matter whatsoever if it meant that I can really patch what ever went wrong between us. I guess time does heal most things. I can't begin to fathom how much I've grown, matured and learned within the past two, three years.
It's also quite amazing how letting yourself get as vulnerable as you want to possibly avoid might actually help things out. It sure did within 24 fucking hours earlier this week. It's baffling to me. All this time trying to stay strong, learning to not care, keeping my head up high ... and the times that I completely shattered and let it all pour out were the times that made everything better. I guess there are a few instances where it's better to shield yourself and other where you just have to let go.
Maybe that (last week/entry) was the rock bottom I've been hoping to hit. I could only wish this is my climb back up.
This is a complete turn around from last entry, but I don't care. It has nothing to do with the 'situation' I'd mentioned. But still, I'm at the point where all I want to do is sink and wallow, and cry until I feel like my body can no longer produce tears. I'm just so goddamn alone. People come and go and they seem to surround me but none of them are there. Nothing is permanent. I feel like I'm just sitting there and letting things slap me and I let it happen while it pushes me into a mental self-destruction. I'm not happy; I really wish I could be.
I'm not afraid to say I am desperate. I am alone.
I am wishing for anyone to pull me out of this misery. I need change. I am wishing for someone to do more than "understand". I want to be able to collapse on someone and fall apart, and not be judged or criticized for this weakness. Don't I deserve better than this? Many people, including myself, don't consider me a very selfish person. This is the only thing I am about. I just want someone to show me they care. I want to feel meaningful to someone and not an activity to pass a day by. I want to be appreciated for when I am selfless for others. I am learning no lesson from this. If there is a god, what is the purpose of this happening to me now, before I will go into the toughest year yet of my college life? What bad karma have I built to obtain such loneliness? Hasn't the past three years been enough? I can ask a million questions but I only want two answers: where has the life I used to know gone, and how can I ever have it back?
Last weekend was a chance to take to do something about the situation and I did -- I made the best out of what I can do and all I have left to is to wait and see if things will turn out positive for everyone. Why carry around all this hate, bitterness and sorrow when they can be turned into something better if we all just gave it the chance?
My mother returns home from Thailand tomorrow. I kissed goodbye to freedom of going anywhere I want without reporting it to anyone, but at the same time I knew it was too good to last. I could only hope for a better half of the rest of 2009.
A part of me feels pathetic to have to always be the one to seek out people for their attentions. But in the end, I hope I enjoy the product, even if it's temporary. Even if it's fake, I will have known that at one point, I might actually be content.
Loneliness be over, when will this loneliness be over? ... And no one thinks they are to blame Why can't we see that when we bleed we bleed the same?
Three summers later since the friendship crash and here I am, quite unchanged. But I'll still have hope that even if I'm crew-less or clueless, at least there's someone who cares, right? After all, Professor Thomas did say there are three kinds of friendships: utility, pleasure and of the good. It is so damn hard to find the last if I wasn't stupid enough to let them go. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah.
Not sure where else to express this without coming off like a total bitch. Or maybe I should just let this out. Because honesty: I've been gone for a month in Thailand. That makes two months since I've been back from Syracuse. I care not to point fingers but I just wish for once anyone made the effort to make plans with me, and not always me seeking other people's time of day. I feel pathetic to be so friendless and have no own crew to be with. My best friend is myself, my mother and my boyfriend. Some would say that's enough, but it's summertime, mom is across the globe and Joel works full time. I need more.
I hate that it always comes back to me wondering if I am that horrible a friend. I hate making stupid entries about the same shit. It's that sad that months have passed between entries and nothing's changed. Why doesn't anyone care about me to include me in anything a part of their life? I've seen no one in NYC for about a damn year and everyone is making their little reunions without me in the picture. I just don't get it.
Can someone inform me why I don't fit in? Forget time issues, whether or not people can make the time or whatever. I feel like all this effort of keeping people in mind, even when I'm on vacation and buying these old 'friends' souvenirs and gifts and for what? For me to seek down friends from high school so I can give them a present from someone they barely think about? When I'm out, and I'm telling some silly, pointless stories, I refer to those I knew as friends. But I wonder if they refer to me the same way, if at all?
I know they probably care, but it seems they forget. I can understand not being the top priority, that's not what I'm asking for; I just want to feel like I matter to anyone. I don't know if I'm too nice or naive. See that? Two months since the last entry and I'm still at the same place. It's goddamn pathetic and I have no fucking clue how to change it. My mind is so lost and this makes me so frustrated with my stupid, whiny self.
